If there is one question I see over and over again it is this one. Pre marriage counseling, does it work or not? I can’t blame those who ask. Before I spilled my personal guts and plunked down my hard earned money I would want to know. So, here is my two cents…
It’s the wrong question – Actually, you might be asking the wrong question. It is kind of like asking, “Working out at the gym, does it work?” Or, “Hiring a personal trainer, does it work?” The answer depends on so many variables, but the success mainly depends on your fiancé and especially you. Simply going to a gym and even listening to a great personal trainer like Jillian or Bob from “The Biggest Looser” will not help you if you both do not put in the effort it takes.
What the right answer gives – A personal trainer will show you exercises to make personal fitness a part of your healthy lifestyle. A pre marriage therapist will show you exercises to make relational fitness a part of your healthy lifestyle. In fitness you use exercises to build biological muscle. In counseling you use exercises to build relational muscle. Without exercise to build muscle of any type a living organism cannot function. Without proper exercise your muscles will atrophy and you will die. Going to pre marriage counseling will help you to learn how to exercise so that your marriage can be ripped…or successful if you want a non weightlifting term.
The right question – You should be asking, “Pre marriage counseling, do we want to (or can we) put in the effort to make it work?” You do not need to be the world’s most educated and trained pre marriage therapist to know what makes a relationship work. The frequent reason couples have trouble is because they may become more “me” focused and it’s hard to break out of that. A pre marriage therapist helps you to focus on your spouse, which is the thing most successful married couples learn to do.
Excuses, excuses – You may not like my answer, and not to assume what you are thinking, but it is my professional opinion that many couples and individuals want to blame the breakdown of their relationship on anyone but themselves. The divorce is all my spouses fault. Or, maybe if you divorce it was the counselor’s fault. He or she did not do a good job or said the wrong thing. Furthermore, many couples do not want to go to pre marriage counseling because they believe they will not have problems in their marriage and their love for each other will get them through. Well, I bet you the 50 percent who did divorce thought that they had it all together before they were married as well. Every one out of two couples who divorced most likely said that they started their marriage in love. You can never work enough on your marriage and a pre marriage counselor helps you to make the most out of that work.
Statistics show – Statistically, and this is for marriage counseling, many studies are somewhat conflicting. Wilard Harley, Jr., author of “His Needs, Her Needs,” reported that some studies resulted in only 25% of couples who said that marital counseling helped. However, John Gottman, one of the leading marital experts in the country on marriage, states that 85% of his couples improved their marriage. Gottman states that he has found four indicators that can spell divorce in a marriage: stonewalling (shutting down), contempt, criticism, and defensiveness. If you are not sure you do these in your relationship, it might help to go to pre marriage counseling to find out. Being aware of and having a marriage therapist help with these four problem areas would be beneficial to any marriage.
What if I don’t find the right pre marriage counselor? Do you have to find the best pre marriage counselor and, if you do not, are you destined for divorce? Again, that is like saying, “If I don’t find the best personal trainer I will not loose the 25 pounds I want to loose and it will be the fault of a bad trainer if I gain more weight.” Yes, some pre marriage counseling therapists are more experienced and educated than others. Yes, some will probably help you more than others. Unfortunately, the only time I usually hear these and other excuses given is when one or both partners do not want to put in the work and go in for the pre marriage counseling then need to start their relationship on a solid foundation.
It is up to you – Really, only you can answer the question, “Pre marriage counseling, does it work?” The harder you are at working on your relationship and future marriage, the more likely you will answer this question in the affirmative.




