If there is one question I see over and over again it is this one.  Pre marriage counseling, does it work or not?  I can’t blame those who ask.  Before I spilled my personal guts and plunked down my hard earned money I would want to know.  So, here is my two cents…

It’s the wrong question – Actually, you might be asking the wrong question.  It is kind of like asking, “Working out at the gym, does it work?”  Or, “Hiring a personal trainer, does it work?”  The answer depends on so many variables, but the success mainly depends on your fiancé and especially you.  Simply going to a gym and even listening to a great personal trainer like Jillian or Bob from “The Biggest Looser” will not help you if you both do not put in the effort it takes.

What the right answer gives – A personal trainer will show you exercises to make personal fitness a part of your healthy lifestyle.  A pre marriage therapist will show you exercises to make relational fitness a part of your healthy lifestyle.  In fitness you use exercises to build biological muscle.  In counseling you use exercises to build relational muscle.  Without exercise to build muscle of any type a living organism cannot function.  Without proper exercise your muscles will atrophy and you will die.  Going to pre marriage counseling will help you to learn how to exercise so that your marriage can be ripped…or successful if you want a non weightlifting term.

The right question – You should be asking, “Pre marriage counseling, do we want to (or can we) put in the effort to make it work?”  You do not need to be the world’s most educated and trained pre marriage therapist to know what makes a relationship work.  The frequent reason couples have trouble is because they may become more “me” focused and it’s hard to break out of that.  A pre marriage therapist helps you to focus on your spouse, which is the thing most successful married couples learn to do.

Excuses, excuses – You may not like my answer, and not to assume what you are thinking, but it is my professional opinion that many couples and individuals want to blame the breakdown of their relationship on anyone but themselves.  The divorce is all my spouses fault.  Or, maybe if you divorce it was the counselor’s fault.  He or she did not do a good job or said the wrong thing.  Furthermore, many couples do not want to go to pre marriage counseling because they believe they will not have problems in their marriage and their love for each other will get them through.  Well, I bet you the 50 percent who did divorce thought that they had it all together before they were married as well.  Every one out of two couples who divorced most likely said that they started their marriage in love.  You can never work enough on your marriage and a pre marriage counselor helps you to make the most out of that work.

Statistics show – Statistically, and this is for marriage counseling, many studies are somewhat conflicting.  Wilard Harley, Jr., author of “His Needs, Her Needs,” reported that some studies resulted in only 25% of couples who said that marital counseling helped.  However, John Gottman, one of the leading marital experts in the country on marriage, states that 85% of his couples improved their marriage.  Gottman states that he has found four indicators that can spell divorce in a marriage:  stonewalling (shutting down), contempt, criticism, and defensiveness.  If you are not sure you do these in your relationship, it might help to go to pre marriage counseling to find out.  Being aware of and having a marriage therapist help with these four problem areas would be beneficial to any marriage.

What if I don’t find the right pre marriage counselor? Do you have to find the best pre marriage counselor and, if you do not, are you destined for divorce?  Again, that is like saying, “If I don’t find the best personal trainer I will not loose the 25 pounds I want to loose and it will be the fault of a bad trainer if I gain more weight.”  Yes, some pre marriage counseling therapists are more experienced and educated than others.  Yes, some will probably help you more than others.  Unfortunately, the only time I usually hear these and other excuses given is when one or both partners do not want to put in the work and go in for the pre marriage counseling then need to start their relationship on a solid foundation.

It is up to you – Really, only you can answer the question, “Pre marriage counseling, does it work?”  The harder you are at working on your relationship and future marriage, the more likely you will answer this question in the affirmative.

So you are getting hitched (or thinking you might) and you are wondering about questions to ask before getting married. That is an exceptional question to ask about questions! While there are many premarital questions that would be effective there are some that will help more.

WCCO Television, out of Minneapolis, MN, interviewed the originators of one of the premarital assessments we use. This assessment is the Prepare Inventory and it is incredibly effective in evaluating your relationship and you.

The people at Prepare say that you should discuss four specific questions:

1. Are you satisfied with your communication and conflict resolution styles? These styles, most likely, will be carried over into marriage. If your partner quiet now, he/she most likely will be after marriage as well.

2. Do you feel your personalities are compatible? Some annoying things about your partner will change after marriage, the majority will not. The good things, hopefully, will say good, but you should know if you can live with your partner…warts and all.

3. How do you both feel about finances? Money is a big issue in marriage, I am sure you have heard, so you must discuss your monetary thoughts and opinions. Does only one save and the other spend? Will you have a budget?

4. Do you have the same values, priorities, and goals? If you are not running the race toward the same destination your relationship and marriage is bound to have difficulty. Talk about what is important to you both. One good question to ask, concerning priorities, is what would we want others to think or say about us after we pass away. The answers might be some of your priorities.

So, when it comes to questions to ask before getting married, you now know at least four good ones.

Check out our other article with more premarital counseling questions

WCCO’s web page with this information:
http://wcco.com/local/marriage.engagement.questions.2.1000864.html

WCCO’s video talking about premarital assessments and the 4 questions:
http://www.wcco.com/video/?id=59663@wcco.dayport.com

Take a practice Prepare inventory:
https://www.prepare-enrich.com/webapp/pe_main/mainsite/training/template/DisplaySecureContent.vm;pc=1241106105390?id=pe_main_site_content*pages*couples*public*CouplesQuiz.html&xlat=Y&emb_org_id=0&emb_prp_id=0&emb_unq_id=0&emb_lng_code=ENGLISH

It is easy to find a marriage compatibility test on the internet, but is the test really reliable and valid? In other words, a test is reliable if it is consistent or if it would give you the same results if you took it again. Tests and questions about feelings, which can change from time to time, are not overly reliable. Also, reliability pertains to whether a source is trustworthy. A test you can take for free on the internet is most likely not overly reliable.

Second, a marriage compatibility test is valid if it tests what it says it tests. Does a test truly gauge compatibility or marital cohesiveness or does it ask questions about whether you both like hot dogs? A test needs to measure aspects that are important to a successful relationship and marriage.

2. Price

As mentioned previously, there is a free marriage compatibility test or two on the internet and it is safe to say you usually get what you pay for. A couple should be careful with a marriage compatibility test, especially when it is free.

Aside from free tests, one marriage compatibility test, RELATE, charges about $20. Another test, the ENRICH test, can cost anywhere from $75 to $200. There is the FOCCUS test and this can cost around $100. A person could take a test form a marriage and family therapist and this could cost $100 an hour.

3. Ease of use

When you take a marriage compatibility test, is it easy to use or, in other words, is it easy to take online or in person and are the results easy to read and understand when you are done? With some tests you do not receive anything when finished, this will be explained next. You might receive a person who will sit down with you or talk with you on the phone. It is usually easy to understand the results with a qualified person, but it can cost a little more. Other marriage compatibility tests require some reading and understanding of relationships, but most are not difficult. A counselor is a good way to understand a marriage compatibility test because he/she will be right there in the room for you to ask, but, again, this will cost more.

4. What do you get?

In the ENRICH marriage compatibility test, you receive a report that shows what you scored in certain areas of your relationship, areas that are strong and areas that have potential for growth in your relationship, relationships dynamics (such as assertiveness, confidence, avoidance, and dominance), and profiles on the following:  stress, conflict resolution, and relationship roles. Usually a qualified and trained ENRICH assessor will go over these results with you.

Another marriage compatibility test, RELATE, gives you a 10-20 paged report on areas of your relationship such as communication and conflict resolution. You must go over the report by yourself, but someone is usually available to help, if needed.

The FOCCUS marriage compatibility test results are usually given with a facilitator and the facilitator is usually at a church or some other community organization. The results help to foster conversation about pertinent areas.

5. What does it measure?

Each marital compatibility test should measure aspects of your relationship that will determine marital cohesiveness. One of the main areas that should be examined is communication. Conflict resolution, finances, expectations, sexuality, spirituality, and children are all good areas.

Is there a best age to marry? Am I too young to be engaged? How old should you be to get hitched? Is there an ideal age for tying the knot?

It seems that anyone who is younger, who is in a serious relationship, and/or who is discussing or contemplating marriage is asking this question. The problem is, the answer can be problematic.

Here are some easy, initial answers: There are more people in their 20s and these people are the most healthy, most of the time, to have children. Conversely, those in their 30s are more mature in many ways and more entrenched in their careers, fostering stability for a family and reducing the number one area of arguing, finances.

Great, both are correct and our question is still not answered. Let’s go to some other sources…

Public opinion:

A 2006 Gallup poll found the following:

25 – Ideal age for women to marry according to those polled

27 – Ideal age for men to marry according to those polled

42% think 22-25 is the ideal age for women to marry

33% think 22-25 is the ideal age for men to marry

20% think 21 or younger is the ideal age for women to marry

11% think 21 or younger is the ideal age for a man to marry

12% think 30+ is the ideal age for women

30% think 30+ is the ideal age for men

Incidentally, in a 1946 Gallup poll the ideal age for women was 21 and for men it was 25.

Both Gallup surveys (1946 and 2006) have shown that people believe that men should wait longer to marry than women.

Education is a factor for ideal marriage age opinion:

Those with a high school education or less are 4 times more likely to think that a woman should marry before 21.

Education does not have a large factor as it pertains to when a man should marry.

Finally, those who identify themselves as more conservative have a lower ideal age for marriage than those who consider themselves liberal.

Other opinions:

Rabbi Shmuley Botaech, author of 20+ relationship books and host of “The Rabbi Shmuley Show” on Oprah and Friends, XM Radio, gives a few positive early age for marriage opinions in an article:

• You can grow up together and you can experience life with someone if you marry young. At a young age you are not so set in your ways and you are more open minded, in other words you have less baggage.

• You can skip all the years of dating when you may possibly be played and hurt by the opposite sex.

• You will have fewer sexual partners. This would mean you might escape the psychological and psychological dangers of multiple sexual partners.

• You would escape the possible loneliness that comes with going through your 20s and 30s alone.

• You could have children when you are the most able physically. You could keep up with them because you would be more youthful and agile.

However, when it comes to a 50% chance of divorcing, loosing half your income, breaking up a family, and having to pay attorney fees, I would want to have more than just opinion if I was thinking about getting married. But, that is just me…

Studies:

Another sociologist, Norval Gleen, from the University of Texas, Austin, is finding that those who marry in their 20s are slightly more happy than those who marry in their late 20s and, what’s more interesting, the early 20 married are “significantly” more satisfied than those 30+ married couples.

This is about the extent of the pro young age to marry camp. Little other research can be found.

On the other side of the opinion, Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at John Hopkins University, states from his research, “It’s better not to get married as a teenager. Beyond that, I don’t think there’s an ideal age.”

Sociologist Paul Amato, from Pennsylvania State University, reports findings that show delaying marriage actually improves the quality of the relationship by a fair amount. These older (upper 20s and 30s) couples reported more relational cohesiveness (shared activities or hobbies), thought less about divorce, and thought less that their marriage would end.

Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies, University of Denver, has found that marriage at a young age (before the age of 18 or 19) is a risk factor to marriage. Also, knowing each other for only a short amount of time before marriage is another risk factor. So, the longer you date and age, the better your chances.

Neil Clark Warren, clinical psychologist, founder of EHarmony, and author of “Finding the Love of Your Life,” has a chapter that describes seven causes of choosing the wrong mate. One of those seven is “The Decision is Made at Too Young an Age.” Here are some stats from that section of the book:

• Those 21 to 22 are twice as likely to divorce than those 24 to 25
• The divorce rate is 80% to 85% for those under the age of 20
• Studies show marriages are more stable after the individuals are over 25
• The most stable age for marriage is 28+
• Those who marry young are rarely prepared for the responsibilities of marriage
• A person needs to know themselves in a deeper way (life goals, needs, how you function on your own, etc.) so that they can then know the kind of person they need to marry. It is difficult to know yourself fully when you are not financially and emotionally separated from you parents. In today’s culture most are not separated from their parents until the mid 20s
• Persons with strong character (not lying, cheating or stealing, etc.) are more stable in marriage and a more established character depends on time and experience
• Persons with established emotional health are more stable in marriage and emotional stability usually, but not always, come with age
• If you want to make the right choice in a mate it is not determined by family backgrounds, by chemistry or that funny little feeling in your heart or stomach (studies show from 75% to 80% of chemistry evaporates 8 months after marriage unless the relationship has meaningful compatibility), or even your age! It is determined by making the right choice in the first place

Even as far back as 1974 sociologist Marcia Lasswell, in her book “Is There a Best Age to Marry?” wrote, “Divorce rates are the lowest for both men and women who marry for the first time at age 28 or later…The chances for a stable marriage increase as both partners reach the age of 30…”

From Bridezilla.com, a funny, yet possibly accurate list of signs you are too young to marry includes the following, “Your groom-to-be cuts out of the rehearsal dinner due to the opening of Napoleon Dynamite.” There may not be a best age to get married; there are pros and cons no matter which way you go. In all seriousness, when wondering if you are too young to marry, the most important considerations are not so much age, but the following:

• Ability to define and live out the word “commitment.”
• Ability to define and live out the word “love (the more you think it is a feeling rather than an action, the less likely you are ready for marriage).”
• Ability to make sure you know yourself (it helps to have been on your own financially and emotionally) and the kind of person with whom who are the most compatible.
• Ability to know your life goals and what you want to do so you will know if your partner will be compatible with them.
• Ability to know if you compatible with the other person.

As previously mentioned, Neil Clark Warren states that a lasting marriage it is not so much determined by family, chemistry, or age, but compatibility. You must be highly compatible. If you are not sure about compatibility with your partner, we can help you. We can tell you how compatible you are with you partner with incredible effectiveness and accuracy. With one out of every two couples getting divorced it would help to know where you are compatible and when you may need to work on your relationship.

Let’s say you were going into a town where you were 50% likely to get killed. Before you left, you were told that you could have a map that would tell you where it is dangerous and where you might get in to trouble. Would you want that map? ConnectionCare.com will give you this map to your marriage. The premarital test is the map and we will explain how to navigate the tough, but fulfilling, institution of marriage.

Finally, Neil Clark Warren adds that choosing the wrong mate comes down to ignorance, cluelessness, and people not being taught how to make correct choices. We will help you make the best choice you can make, despite your age.

Sources:

http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/2006/12/Too-Young-To-Marry.aspx

http://www.gallup.com/poll/23404/Ideal-Age-Marriage-Women-Men.aspx

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-11-09-delayed-marriage_N.htm

http://www.prepinc.com/main/docs/what_factors.html

http://www.bridezilla.com/2007/04/top_ten_signs_you_are_too_youn.cfm

http://www.csmonitor.com/2002/0508/p11s02-lifp.html

When and if you go to a premarital counselor what premarital counseling questions will the counselor ask? Will they be personal questions? Will they be difficult questions? Will they be embarrassing questions?

A counselor could ask any type of premarital counseling questions, but most of the time he/she will ask those questions that will help you prepare for marriage.

The following areas should be addressed when premarital counseling questions are asked:

• Communication
• Conflict Resolution
• Expectations in Marriage
• Personality Points
• Finances
• Sexual Expectations
• Children and Parenting
• Spirituality
• Roles in Marriage
• Leisure Activities

Premarital counseling questions in communication

• When a problem arises, how does my partner communicate?
• I could use more or less talking from my partner and how specifically?
• How is my partner a good listener or not?

Premarital counseling questions in conflict resolution

• How does your partner settle an argument?
• Do you feel understood when you have an argument with your partner?
• When you think about your conflict, how often does it seem like nothing ever gets resolved?

Premarital counseling questions in marital expectations

• Is this person the only one with whom you could be happy and what happens if he/she passes away?
• Is your partner responsible for your happiness and, if he/she is, how will he/she do that?
• What, if anything, needs to change in your partner and what will happen if he/she cannot change?

Premarital counseling questions in personality issues

• What kind of temper/mood does your partner have and can you live with it?
• Are there some habits that you partner has that you don’t like?
• What are some things that your partner does that embarrasses you and what will happen if they do not change?

Premarital counseling questions in finances

• How exactly have you discussed your financial situation?
• Does my partner have some debt that concerns me?
• Who will make the decisions and what decisions will be made after marriage?

Premarital counseling questions in sexual expectations

• Are you comfortable talking about sexuality with your partner?
• Do you feel like your partner gives you the affection you feel you need?
• Does your partner sometimes use sex as a weapon or as a way to manipulate you?

Premarital counseling questions in children and parenting

• What are the responsibilities of each parent in raising a child?
• How many children will we have?
• How did your family raise you and your other brothers and sisters?

Premarital counseling questions in spirituality

• How will we specifically exercise our spiritual beliefs, if at all?
• Will we share our spiritual beliefs with our children or with others?
• How can spirituality help our relationship to grow?

Premarital counseling questions roles in marriage

• Who will do what around the house
• What adjustments will each make to accommodate the other after marriage?
• Who will have a more persuasive voice, if so, and in what area(s)?

Premarital counseling questions leisure activities

• Do we enjoy the same activities and what are those that we enjoy the most?
• Am I happy with the amount of leisure time we spend together?
• Is your partner more social than you and does he/she seem to need this interaction more than you?

These areas should be addressed by your counselor. If he/she does not bring them up, you should.

Some of these questions were adapted from Brady B. Forman’s “Discussion Guide for Prepare/Enrich.”

Purchase securely and confidently with the above methods of payment

One of the better books with exceptional questions to discuss with your partner.

Click on the book to the left for more information on it.

Also, the book to the left by Monica Mendez Leahy is a great start for couples. You will find questions like the following:

Does your partner feel that you’re too attached to your parents?
Is there such a thing as innocent flirting?
Is it OK to cheat on your taxes?
Is there such a thing as innocent flirting?
Do you both want children?
How important is religion in your life?
Do you think couples should share the same political views?

Or, if you prefer, you can watch a PowerPoint video presentation of this article: