When it comes to premarital assessments, the number one fear premarital couples have before marriage is the thought that someone will tell them they are not right for each other. Understandable, I would admit.

In her book “Deal breakers: When to work on a relationship and when to walk away,” Dr. Bethany Marshall discussed how to know if you are in a premarital relationship that is worth keeping and how to know if both the male and female are on the same relational page.

Marshall writes about relational arrangements and how to tell what the arrangement is for both parties in a premarital couple. Most women have an emotional arrangement while many men have a sexual arrangement. That is, the woman is emotionally tied to the man, but the man only looks to the woman for sex and can even look elsewhere for that sexual arrangement. The author defines this arrangement as a booty call, obviously.

Further, if the male or female is not interested in visiting the possible future in-laws then the non interested person also may not be interested in a long lasting, marital arrangement (unless the in-laws are unreasonable, of course).

The author suggests looking for three factors to know if you should keep the relationship: reciprocity (you both give in the relationship), generatively (the relationship is continually moving forward), and honesty (you share what is on your mind, openly, and your fiancé does the same).

Many premarital couples think that it would be horrifying to break off a wedding and/or engagement. However, let me give you something more horrifying…getting married to a person who does not give, who does not work on your relationship, and who is not honest.

Contact us and we will help you to determine the arrangement you have. If your fiancé won’t do a premarital compatibility test, that might be a sign as well.

I was reading Kevin Leman’s book, “Sheet Music,” and was reminded of a way of life that I learned in my graduate school sex class and that I have heard in a few random circles:

Lovemaking is not a science, it is an art.

The phrase “lovemaking positions” was searched over 5000 times in one day alone, so you would think that there would be a lot of informed people out there. You would think that there would be a lot of happy, lovemaking people who know a lot about how to have a good relationship. However, knowledge of all these lovemaking positions does not really foster a successful relationship or marriage.

On the flip side, the phrase “art of lovemaking” was searched a minuscule 25 times on the average day. By the number of searchers it would seem that more people are concerned with lovemaking positions than they are with the art of lovemaking. Maybe I am blogging about the wrong thing, but I don’t think I am.

According to the 2007 census there are a few shy of 6000 marriages a day. Conversely, you could say that there will be approximately 3000 divorces a day. Why, if we have so much information on sexual positions and Amazon.com is full of books on Tantric sex and the Kama Sutra, do we have 3000 divorces on the day you are reading this? I believe it is because sexual positions are not where it is at for relationships and it is not all about sex.

A good relationship does not center on learning another sexual position that is difficult to achieve as much it is about learning about the other person, himself/herself. I was watching some reality TV show on dating when a guy said he had to have sex with a girl before marriage in case she was bad in bed. Well, dude, buy her the Tantric sex book and she will be up to par for you. I would be willing to bet this guy knows everything about physically pleasing a woman and nothing about emotionally pleasing a woman. Only being able to physically please a woman won’t get you real far in a relationship, unless you just want to play the field for a while.

Set your sexual positions book aside and simply talk with your partner. Learn about what is happening in their heart more than learning about what feels best physically. Then you will truly have made a great marriage and relationship, you will truly have mastered the art of lovemaking.

I bet you never thought you could learn about love from Wedding Crashers quotes, but this incredibly popular motion picture can actually teach us a lot or at least foster discussion. Take this quote from Owen Wilson’s character John Beckwith to a group of children at a wedding, “Love doesn’t exist, that’s what I’m trying to tell you guys. And I’m not picking on love, ’cause I don’t think friendship exists either.” Actually pretty funny…but do you believe it is true?

The answer depends on how you define the word love (in all debate the whole issue of winning or loosing depends on how you define the terms). The ancient Greeks had three main words for the English word “love:” “eros,” “phileo,” and “agape.” “Eros” was the Greek word for erotic love and they prided themselves on that use of love (in a few strange ways mind you). Second, the word “phileo” means a form of love that is like a brother and that is from where the city of Philadelphia gets its name – the City of Brotherly Love. Finally, the last word for love is “agape” and it means a self-sacrificial form of love that looks out for others. Do these forms of love exist? Did they exist in the life of John Beckwith?

I can promise that many people in this world love with the Greek word “eros!” Sorry John Beckwith, that form of love does exist and you loved in that way in the movie…quite a bit! Can you love like a brother or sister by “phileo?” You probably loved in that form in the last few hours or days with member of your family. Sorry John, wrong again. Third, does the “agape” form of love exist? Well…that is a difficult answer. I may be wrong, but Owen Wilson’s character had difficulty with that form of love in the movie. He was torn between loving erotically and loving sacrificially, in a more meaningful manner.

I believe that all three forms of love exist and they are all very important in a relationship. I can remember being asked if I had these three forms of love for the girl whom I was thinking about marrying. They are all three very important, but there is one that will make a relationship…the “agape” love.

A relationship can survive without the first two forms of love, but it cannot survive without sacrificial love. You see all the movie stars and otherwise marrying because they feel the “eros” love. When it fades, so does the relationship and they split up, running to another who can give them that form of love.

If you want to keep a relationship going, love in an “agape” way.

For more information on how you can determine if your relationship is based on “eros,” “phileo,” and/or “agape” click here and we can arrange a compatibility test. ConnectionCare.com LLC would love to talk with you about how you can connect more in your relationship.